Forgive and Forget

It is feels kinda funny that after 11 years I am single...and come to think of it, I haven`t being single ever in my life for very long! I seem to jump from one long relationship to the next. I`m 32 going on to 33 this year and I have had 2 relationships since I was 17!

Now some people think I`m crazy, but what can I say? I love commitment! I love having someone to come home to and share my day, having someone to share my life and dreams with. Yes I know I could do that with friends but it`s just not the same or is it?

I have slowly coming around to the realization that I seriously need some time for myself...I have always looked after my other half and end up neglecting myself.  To put it in another way, I have sacrificed ME!! The most important person of all.

I am now learning to be single and trying to enjoy it...maybe the term trying is not quite correct,but I am just trying to get used to waking up and having no one there to hold or to look at or to snuggle up to, especially on cold nights. I am a independent person or so I thought. I never needed anyone to take care of me..but I think I needed to take care of someone for some reason. But now I choose to take care of myself.

I don't want to be selfish but I want to look at the world with different eyes and stop being so trusting and naive about human nature. One of the biggest lesson I have learnt from this recent break up is that human nature is quite ugly in fact! Because generally speaking everyone is selfish and greedy.

I recently had a conversation (if you can call it that) with my ex, and he said to me that I have never given him anything in 11 years! I didn't know quite how to take that - I was stunned into silence, which is quite a feat in itself. But the silence didn't last long. I blasted him by saying that I gave him 11 years of my life and that's more then what most people would give for a person like him! He took the most important thing from me - my heart!
Its not broken but damn it, its badly bruised and I don't know when or how I would ever let another person get so close.  But I don't want to be a bitter person, so I am trying to forgive but I will never forget.
I will never forget how stupid I was to take him back the first time he left me for another man, I will never forget how 1 day I came home early sick and found him naked in bed with another bloke, I will never forget how he has lied through out the years, I will never forget how I have let him do what he did for so LONG!!I will never forget that he has left me for the second time and with the same guy!

But I will forgive myself for making those mistakes, because I will never make them again.
I will find someone or someone will find me, that is worthy of me. I will forgive myself for thinking that he was the best I could have. I will forgive myself for all the lost opportunities of happiness.

I will never wish him ill, because after all I do love him and I want to be happy, but not at my expense. I will take back control of ME - actually I have taken back control of ME and I am happier for it.

So in the end I thank you, because without you doing what you did, I would never realize all the mistakes I have made and all the wrongs that I was doing to myself. So thank you and I wish you are happy because I am!

Questions to ex!

Being alone & feeling alone sucks! How can someone be so cold hearted in this world? I treated him good, better then myself. So frustrated! I can't even hate him! Why not?! This feeling is suffocating me! I'm not sad that he left, just the way he did it! And why the same guy?! Is that mean you were thinking about him all these time? You left me the 1st time for him & he dumped you like a piece of rubbish! I picked you back up & rebuilt your confidence & gave you everything you wanted, supported you when you were depressed, stood by you when others judged you as worthless! So why did you do it to me again?!
I keep trying to be happy but it really hurts...I feel like I've wasted the last 11years & not only achieved nothing but lost all that I had!

I will not let anyone do this to me again..I wont let anyone close enough to hurt me like you did! I will be smarter and I will treat myself better because I am worth it! And if I don't who will??!!