Forgive and Forget

It is feels kinda funny that after 11 years I am single...and come to think of it, I haven`t being single ever in my life for very long! I seem to jump from one long relationship to the next. I`m 32 going on to 33 this year and I have had 2 relationships since I was 17!

Now some people think I`m crazy, but what can I say? I love commitment! I love having someone to come home to and share my day, having someone to share my life and dreams with. Yes I know I could do that with friends but it`s just not the same or is it?

I have slowly coming around to the realization that I seriously need some time for myself...I have always looked after my other half and end up neglecting myself.  To put it in another way, I have sacrificed ME!! The most important person of all.

I am now learning to be single and trying to enjoy it...maybe the term trying is not quite correct,but I am just trying to get used to waking up and having no one there to hold or to look at or to snuggle up to, especially on cold nights. I am a independent person or so I thought. I never needed anyone to take care of me..but I think I needed to take care of someone for some reason. But now I choose to take care of myself.

I don't want to be selfish but I want to look at the world with different eyes and stop being so trusting and naive about human nature. One of the biggest lesson I have learnt from this recent break up is that human nature is quite ugly in fact! Because generally speaking everyone is selfish and greedy.

I recently had a conversation (if you can call it that) with my ex, and he said to me that I have never given him anything in 11 years! I didn't know quite how to take that - I was stunned into silence, which is quite a feat in itself. But the silence didn't last long. I blasted him by saying that I gave him 11 years of my life and that's more then what most people would give for a person like him! He took the most important thing from me - my heart!
Its not broken but damn it, its badly bruised and I don't know when or how I would ever let another person get so close.  But I don't want to be a bitter person, so I am trying to forgive but I will never forget.
I will never forget how stupid I was to take him back the first time he left me for another man, I will never forget how 1 day I came home early sick and found him naked in bed with another bloke, I will never forget how he has lied through out the years, I will never forget how I have let him do what he did for so LONG!!I will never forget that he has left me for the second time and with the same guy!

But I will forgive myself for making those mistakes, because I will never make them again.
I will find someone or someone will find me, that is worthy of me. I will forgive myself for thinking that he was the best I could have. I will forgive myself for all the lost opportunities of happiness.

I will never wish him ill, because after all I do love him and I want to be happy, but not at my expense. I will take back control of ME - actually I have taken back control of ME and I am happier for it.

So in the end I thank you, because without you doing what you did, I would never realize all the mistakes I have made and all the wrongs that I was doing to myself. So thank you and I wish you are happy because I am!